Yours Alone
by Swirly Head
Summary: Buffy thinks about Spike's love for her. Very short. The lyrics are from Pug by Smashing pumpkins


Kiss and kill me sweetly 

_Kiss and kill me sweetly   
Come and drive me home   
Drag the miles in me   
I am yours alone _

I think he would, you know. Kiss and kill me sweetly. That's a word I wouldn't normally associate with him. Sweet. Meaning pleasurable, melodic, like music playing. He used to want me ripped and bleeding, torn apart with jagged needles. Now though, I think he'd be sweet.

Now he wants to kiss me.  
  
_Inside where it's warm   
Wrap myself in you   
Outside where I'm torn   
Fight myself in two   
In two...into you_

It must be cold, where he is. The crypt's cold enough. And he doesn't have any blood, yet he can still feel fire, feel passion. I think he feels it for me. When he came to me, after we'd fought, he was going to kill me. Bittersweet. Then he laid the gun down because I was crying. He tried to comfort me. I didn't want his comfort, but it was there.

It was there because he wants me.  
  
_Desire me so deeply   
Drain and kick me hard   
Whisper secrets for me   
Try to go too far _

He desires me, because I'm the embodiment of all that's been taken from him. Blood, vampires, Slayers. It all comes down to the same thing. Death. Still here's the uncertainty, that if he wanted me dead, I would be dead. When he told me how Slayer's died, how they all have a deathwish, he knew. And it scared me, so I rejected him. Wouldn't do to let him know that he's the only one.

I've thought about it before. Being killed by a vampire. I think that it's the way I should die. Not to be too morbid, but I am a vampire Slayer. What happened the other day, a common vampire nearly bringing about my death, my departure from this world? It should be a vampire, not just any vampire. Once I would have said Angel.

Doesn't quite ring true. Angelus was a monster, and Angel would never do it. So Spike is the only option. He's also the choice.

The only one who's hand I'd die by.  
  
_Inside where it's warm   
Wrap myself in you   
Outside where I'm torn   
Fight myself in two   
In two...into_

Now I'm torn. I don't love him. A little voice echoes at the back of my mind that I could. Despite his arrogance and proclaimed hatred of me. It's lies. I see his warmth, I see his true face. One that would comfort a crying girl even after she's ground his heart into the mud, spat on it, shattered it. Even after that, the first thing he asks me is what's wrong. Can he help.  
  
_Please don't change   
Please don't change at all   
Bring your rain   
Bring your rain to fall_

It's cold outside and the rain streaks down my face. Makes it look like tears. Have I been crying? I don't know, I can't remember. I lie here and wait for him to come, clutching my side. Reminds me of that night I went to him, that night when I knew. I first knew he loved me when he offered me comfort.

  
_Inside where it's warm   
Wrap myself in you   
Outside where I'm torn   
Fight myself in two   
In two...into you   
  
_

I'm torn in two and it hurts like nothing else. At least she's gone, they're all safe…I wonder for a moment who will be called next. Will she be young? Will she be trained? Will she ever fall in love with a vampire? That's what being a Slayer is all about. Walking that fine line between love and hate. Disgust and desire. Sometimes you fall.

When you fall, you fall hard. I can't hear the rain anymore, though I can see him. He's running towards me, blond hair plastered to his skull, yelling something.

_Come and kiss me sweetly   
Ride the telephone   
Drag the miles to me   
I am yours alone_   
  


I want to tell him to kiss me sweetly. I want to tell him to take me home. I want to tell him that I'm sorry. I want to tell him I'm his alone. Yet I can't speak. I can only bring my hand to his cheek where my blood mixes with tears.

He leans closer and I close my eyes. Brushes his lips chastely against mine and the world is ending. He tastes so sweet, like sugar and saccharine. When he draws back more tears are there, and he tells me words I cannot hear. So I imagine them.

He's telling me that he loves me, that everything's going to be alright. That tomorrow we'll talk this over, a big long angst-ridden discussion about our feelings for one another, before he kisses me again. He's saying that I'm beautiful, saying that I'm brave. He's telling me that I'm his now, that I'll never be alone.

The world is spinning, blood is blossoming round my head. I raise enough energy to speak, although the words are strained. With this last breath, what must I say? There's too much.

How to tell him that I love him, that I'm sorry, that I want him more than life?

_Yours alone (on the telephone)   
  
_

Two words.

  
_Yours alone (looking for a kiss kiss)   
  
_

"Kill me."

_Yours alone_


End file.
